So I read recently that the Pope had some things to say on the subject of gay marriage, calling it part of the “ideology of evil.”

And then I read today that the poor man is in the hospital, and is undergoing a tracheotomy .

The lesson, kiddies?

Don’t fuck with my people. God will strike you dumb.

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The Venice boardwalk is home to the iconic “Muscle Beach” known the world over as a place where large, strapping men of chiseled form gather to pump some heavy duty iron and steel. But on February 12th, those of bulging biceps and perfect pectorals were shunted aside and eclipsed by a different kind of bulging perfection congregating to pump some serious toasted bread and melted cheese. The Goldenpalace.com World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship had come to town and a veritable who’s who in the sport of competitive eating descended upon Southern California’s beaches seeking glory and a share of $10,000 in prize money. Yes, for one afternoon rather than showcasing stalwart specimens of muscular perfection, Muscle Beach was the venue for rarified displays of peristaltic prowess.

In a 10 minute period, the top seven finishers combined to devour over 145 grilled cheese sandwiches.

I had the honor of attending the event, which was sanctioned by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE), and came away quite awestruck by the display of fleet-fingered gastronomy put on by some of the nation’s most accomplished eaters. What’s more is that the entire event was infused by an air of reverence brought about by the appearance of the so-called Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese, competitive eating’s “Shroud of Turin.” All in attendance bowed and genuflected out of respect and piety to the immaculate manifestation raised before us. The spectacle inspired IFOCE President and master of ceremonies Richard Shea to christen the event “The Passion of the Toast.” Yes, it was clear that passion was something that was in great supply on that afternoon. As the 1 P.M. start time approached, the smallish crowd that gathered had swelled to a frenzied but enraptured throng of over 300.

Upon arrival I first spotted 400 lb. reigning potsticker champ Ed “Cookie” Jarvis (Sixth-ranked IFOCE eater) on the dais going about his pre-match inspection of the competition venue. I admit that it was a bit stunning to see someone of his professional and physical stature before my very eyes. In fact, seeing many of the best eaters in the world gathered before me was an experience of pure wonderment comparable only to my face-to-face encounter with Parminder Nagra, my favorite actress. Words are almost inadequate to describe the spectacle. In addition to Jarvis, many other eaters were in attendance: Reigning #1 American eater Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas; cabbage champion “Hungry” Charles Hardy; IFOCE #3 eater Richard “The Locust” LeFevre; corned beef hash titlist Eric “Badlands” Booker; “The Martha Stewart of Mastication” Carlene LeFevre; and former matzo ball champion and U.S. Marine Don “Moses” Lerman. Mixed in with this pantheon of top pro eaters was a hodge podge of amateurs and rising stars from the sport’s second-tier.

The pre-match introduction, given by Shea to the throbbing rhythms of “Lose Yourself,” Eminem’s 8 Mile anthem, drove the crowd from a general frenzy into full-on delirium. In a spectacle reminiscent of a heavyweight title fight, each eater entered the arena to their own unique theme music. During his introduction, “Badlands” Booker took the microphone and launched into an exhilarating selection from his competitive eating-themed hip hop album. Once all of the eaters took their positions on the dais, Shea characterized the event succinctly and insightfully with the truism, “Life isn’t just about consumption; it’s about revelation.”

The original owner of the “Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese” had $70k in casino winnings that she attributes to the divine powers of the sacrosanct sandwich.

After the signal was given to begin, the 10-minute sprint competition passed by in what seemed like the blink of an eye. The “Horsemen of the Esophagus” took full advantage of the cups of water with which they were provided, dipping their sandwiches into the fluid to aid their already lightning-fast consumption. The sandwiches appeared to be standard grilled cheeses on white bread. The cheese was of the generic yellow kind that one can find in almost any supermarket. An educated guess would conclude that it was either American or Cheddar cheese, although the former seems most plausible. One detail that made the sandwiches somewhat unique was the light toasting that each received. It appeared that none had been properly buttered. When making my own signature pepper jack grilled cheese sandwiches, I spread butter liberally on both sides of the sandwiches and toast them to a deep, golden hue. The sandwiches at the competition looked a bit anemic, but were nonetheless genuine in their heft and substance. The aesthetics of the sandwiches made little difference to the 15 or so competitive eaters seeking the championship belt (Yes, they had an actual title belt there) and the $3,500 first place bounty. As Carlene LeFever stated afterwards, the competition is not about eating well, but about winning, a fact not lost on the eaters who battled in the arena.

As soon as the first sandwiches left their plates, the wheat was separated from the chaff with the best of the best quickly putting distance between themselves and their lesser rivals. “Badlands” Booker and Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas were the first to finish off their first plates of ten sandwiches each. By the six and a half minute mark, Thomas began to pull away. With one minute to go, The Black Widow had powered past the starchy crusts, wolfing down an amazing twenty-three sandwiches (a new world record) while Richard LeFevre and Texas Jalapeno pepper champ Jed Donahue battled for second place. The final standings were in that order with the favored Thomas (25 sandwiches) claiming her 22nd eating title and LeFevre and Donahue (23 sandwiches each) sharing second place. In a mild upset, the “Doyenne of Competitive Eating,” Carlene LeFevre, took fourth by downing nearly 21 sandwiches and distancing herself from fifth place “Badlands” Booker (18.5 sandwiches) and Charles Hardy (18 sandwiches) who took the sixth spot.

In the aftermath of the grilled cheese battle, amid the bits of bread crust and melted cheese, the world’s top eaters made themselves accessible to their endearing fans. In fact, each proved to be quite amiable and approachable. A disappointed Don Lerman was heard wondering as to whether or not he should have pursued a center first-crust last approach to each sandwich. Cookie Jarvis remarked about the optimum dew point and wind speed conditions for the outdoor event. Sonya Thomas declared that she could still eat more and engaged in a mock eat-off with Andy Dick, the sole non-athlete celebrity in attendance. After the battle, I was able to share some words with the LeFevres as well as with Sonya Thomas.

Bulging Perfection: Undisputed World Chicken-Fried Steak Eating Champion Ed “Cookie” Jarvis.

Richard LeFevre confirmed to me that he had indeed visited my blog and had posted comments on some of the competitive eating entries—a gracious gesture from one of the IFOCE’s classiest athletes. Up close, he appears more like a rumpled college professor than a highly ranked competitive eater. While many other eaters sport an abdomino-centric physique, Richard LeFevre’s slightness of build is striking and is accentuated further by his mild-mannered disposition. I think perhaps a more fitting nickname for the scholarly looking LeFevre would be “The Genius.” His lovely wife, the “Doyenne of Competitive Eating,” shared some insight into her ingenious training regimen which includes mostly fruits and vegetables that provide bulk but fewer calories allowing her to maintain her slim figure. Of greatest personal value to me was the LeFevre’s revelation about Las Vegas buffets. The longtime residents of the Las Vegas area favor the Aladdin Spice Market Buffet (PDF Menu) for their gastronomic escapades. Doubtless, this will now be the first stop on my next gluttony tour of Southern Nevada. Grilled Cheese champ and American #1 Sonya Thomas, a true sweetheart, capped off my experience by signing a personal autograph for me.

As the crowd dispersed and with my prized autograph in hand, I savored for the last time my brush with the famous and with the divine. Having been a witness to grilled cheese history, I wondered to myself when I would again be blessed with such a rare life opportunity.

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It was proclaimed by many to be one of the greatest comebacks in sports history–a gutsy, gullet-busting achievement worthy of enshrinement into the pantheon of late-game heroics and improbable sports outcomes. Just over one week has passed since the annual Wing Bowl, Philadelphia’s famed chicken wing eating battle. Wing Bowl XIII saw 312 lb. local truck driver and favorite son Billy “El Wingador” Simmons come from behind to dethrone Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas for an unprecedented fifth chicken wing eating crown, forever cementing his position in competitive eating lore. To be sure, the battle was much-hyped and greatly anticipated. The overflow crowd of 25,000 plus at the Wachovia Center did not leave disappointed as Thomas and Simmons emerged tied after a half hour of intense barbeque sauce-splattering competition, sending the pitched battle into a breathtaking two minute overtime.

El Wingador reclaims the throne in controversial fashion.

However, amidst the heaps of partly eaten food, the stacks of grease-stained paper plates and the puddles of warm beer left by thousands of bellicose and intoxicated fans riding the El Wingador victory bandwagon, there remain some nagging questions. A few things have come to light since El Wingador’s victory for the ages and those things have been a bit hard to swallow, especially for Wing Bowl runner up and #1 ranked American eater Thomas. To put it another way, many of us still have a bone stuck in our collective craw and it’s not going away until we can have the satisfaction of a rematch between Thomas and Simmons. Reports indicate that Thomas herself has personally thrown down the gauntlet and proposed a drumette duel with El Wingador at the National Buffalo Wing Festival to be held later this year in upstate New York. What has complicated this showdown scenario is that El Wingador has retired, defeating the Black Widow and riding off into the sunset like a cowboy movie hero with his fifth Wing Bowl crown and saddlebags full of cash.

What, do you ask, could be left over to quibble about? Simmons 162, Thomas 161. As any child could tell you, the former number is greater than the latter. Angelo Cataldi, the radio personality who hosts the annual event has said that he hears “sour grapes” from losers almost every year. In fact, even the great El Wingador was not immune from petulance in defeat when last season he was unceremoniously dumped by Thomas from his perch as perennial Wing Bowl champion. However, this year, having regained the title, the champ has weighed in on the matter and is quite unsympathetic. “She (Thomas) has to clean [her wings] a little better,” he said. “Mine were spotless…. She just can’t take a loss.”

The seeds for this contentious competition were sown one year ago when Thomas, a relative newcomer to the sport, began tearing up the competitive eating circuit. Although the Black Widow and El Wingador had previously squared off at the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating competition, neither had ever won the event which is held annually on neutral ground in Coney Island, NY. However, Thomas’s stunning victory in 2004’s Wing Bowl XII on El Wingador’s home court portended the bad blood leading up to this year’s rematch. It was after claiming his 2004 title that El Wingador had expected to retire. Sonya Thomas changed those plans. In fact El Wingador was dropped to a humiliating third place finish in 2004’s Wing Bowl, which was also decided by an overtime match (the first in a decade) but between Thomas and the sturdy 409 lb. World Ice Cream champ Ed “Cookie” Jarvis (Thomas prevailed 167-165). Gracious in defeat, El Wingador trained for the next several months and just days before this year’s match up the highly motivated erstwhile champ confided to a reporter his feelings for rival Thomas: “To be honest with you,” he says, “I want to fuckin’ get in there and beat that bitch.”

“Black Widow” Sonya Thomas downed nearly 170 wings to capture her first Wing Bowl title in 2004.

Whether or not the fix was in this year is, like so many great sports debates, a question that likely won’t be resolved anytime soon. But from the start, it was clear that not only was the crowd 100% behind hometown son El Wingador, but that they were hostile to Thomas in a way that only Philadelphia fans could be. Hoping to ingratiate herself to the intimidating mob inside the arena, the diminutive 99 lb. Thomas (who is a native of South Korea and a resident of Virginia) came out on a small float waving a Philadelphia Eagles standard. But rather than restrained, polite applause, she encountered instead a chorus of boos and a fusillade of dangerous projectiles. Thomas was pelted in the face, head and arms by cups and cans hurled from the stands above. To add insult to injury, fans showered her with beer and epithets like “chink,” “gook” and “Jap.” Their drunken chants of “Go back home” and “Sucky, sucky, love you long time” made it clear that, in the eyes of the Philadelphia fans, Thomas was not a mere auslander, but untermensch.

Despite the deplorable behavior of some of those in attendance, a case for devious wing-tampering and “fowl” play can hardly be made out on rank fan partisanship alone. Rather, it was what took place in the actual competition that serves as the most compelling evidence for culinary conspiracy theorists across the nation. The questions raised stem from two issues: the in-match disqualification of reigning World Cannoli Eating Champion Eric “Badlands” Booker and the tallying of the consumed chicken wings both at the end of regulation and at the end of the overtime period. There is no single clear and definitive account of what took place, so what follows must suffice for now.

“Badlands” Booker, the 420 lb. eating phenom out of Copaigue, NY was, according to one account, ahead of all competitors by eight wings after the second round. Somehow, during the final stretch, Booker was disqualified by Wing Bowl commissioner Eric Gregg (the former Major League umpire). The reasons for this have been attributed innocently to “overstuffing” of his mouth and the “if you heave, you leave” rule. A more graphic version described it as an attempt by Booker to shove his own “vomit back into his mouth.” Booker denies that he violated any rules. Those advocating a more sinister explanation suggest that the disqualifying rule was created out of thin air to advance a particular, pre-determined outcome. Again, truth seekers on both sides are left not with direct evidence and hard facts but with a suffocating overabundance of conflicting anecdotal and circumstantial evidence. Whatever the reasoning, Booker’s disqualification effectively turned the Wing Bowl into a two-glutton race between El Wingador and the Black Widow.

A little known fact that was revealed after some research is that when it came time to tally the wing count at the end of regulation, the final numbers had to be “adjusted” by the judges. Despite vehement protest, Thomas’s wing total was reduced by three, dropping her into a 147-147 wing tie with none other than Billy “El Wingador” Simmons. The reason given was that the three disqualified wings had not been stripped cleanly enough of skin and meat, a determination that was entirely subjective. Nonetheless, both athletes gutted it out during a mandatory overtime period that was also shrouded in controversy. At the end of the two-minute frenzy of flesh, bone and sauce, Thomas had four wings left on her plate of twenty wings (the standard number on plates for the competition). This gave her 163 wings eaten, one more than El Wingador’s 162. However, after the overtime tally, she was given credit for only 161, a total that returned the Wing Bowl crown to the head of favorite son Billy Simmons much to the delight of the 25,000 plus in attendance. It was reported that a disappointed Thomas left the arena in tears after congratulating her victorious opponent.

To alleviate the subjectivity problems inherent in the Wing Bowl scoring system, Thomas has since proposed that International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) sanctioned rules be instituted, rules that mandate the calculation of scores based on weight of food consumed. Unlike many other IFOCE events, the Wing Bowl has its own unique scoring system which seems unlikely to be changed any time soon. Thomas’s radical proposal has ruffled the feathers of some of the purists who follow the sport avidly. Although he himself has not indicated total opposition to the idea, El Wingador echoed the traditionalist view when he compared Thomas’s proposal to putting “computers behind home plate.”

Through all of the conflicting accounts and the wild accusations, perhaps we will never know what really happened in the City of Brotherly Love on that stage during that winter’s day. What I believe is clear, however, is that this was a match for the ages. Like the titanic battles between the Lakers and the Celtics, the Cowboys and the 49ers and Ali versus Frazier, it’s one for the storybooks. While I can’t say definitively whether or not the fix was in against Sonya Thomas (A forthcoming memoir by El Wingador may perhaps shed some light on the matter), what is certain is that this country and indeed all of humanity wait with bated breath to see if The Black Widow and El Wingador resume their rivalry later this year in Buffalo. For the sake of sport, the competitive spirit and fair play, let us hope that these two great athletes give us one more encore.

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